I have to say I have felt very alone lately. Things have been very overwhelming with Jacob. We are in the process of getting some assessments done and everytime I speak with a new specialist and tell them our story and they meet Jacob, they look at me and say “wow, I have never met a child like him”. Which is when I think to myself ” yeah I won the jackpot! but oh wait, I don’t think they ment that in a good way.” It is overwhelming and upsetting when Dr’s who are experts in their field of pediatric mental health tell you that your son is too severe, and he is beyond their skill set. I appreciated it with the first few. I appreciated their honesty and humility, but at a certain point I just need someone to try something. I know his case is complicated and the meds havn’t worked as expected and he has never been “text book”, but I just need someone, anyone to try to help him. It is a very lonely thing when your sons behavior has gotten so bad that family and friends can’t let their children be around him because of his bad influence. It is very sad but our family has always been very limited in who we can spend time with, and where we can go. The very real fear of him never getting adequate help for his problems, which could lead to devastating tragedy, or the thought that this will be our concerns and struggle for his whole life is almost more than I can bare. So this leaves me with so much upset and sadness and no one to talk too. Talking to family and friends is not usually helpful. I am not 100% honest with everything that happens with him because i am afraid to scare them, and when they see his attitude they respond with things like “you shouldn’t let him talk to you like that.” They just don’t get it. It’s not their fault, they havn’t experienced what I have. They don’t understand the struggles we go through on a minute to minute basis. I love my family and my friends but when you feel like you can’t share your true thoughts and feelings with anyone it begins to consume you. I don’t personally know anyone who has experienced what I have with my son, and I am loosing my drive to keep trying and stay strong.
I sat today crying to my husband telling him that it is just to hard, when I received an email from my church. The title was “Can I really endure to the end?” intregued I opened the email and began reading. “At times, our trials can seem so difficult it may feel impossible to endure them well.” President Henry B. Eyring said that “so many things beat upon us in a lifetime that it may seem hard to endure well.” he goes on to say that there are 3 things that will help us endure any hardship the first is prayer, second – follow the commandments, and the third – service. Our Heavenly Father has provided a way for us to be strengthened, regardless of our hardships, and that is the atonement. My Savior knows what I have been through because he has felt my pain, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I know that when I feel alone and cut off from those around me it is because I am not doing one of those 3 things that President Eyring taught. this time I realized that my prayers have been lacking, mostly because of pure exhaustion, but lacking just the same. I know that when my relationship with my father in heaven is strong and I feel the holy spirit in my daily life, I have his strength and power helping me through my trials. I know that I am not alone. I know that through prayer I can receive answers of how to help my son and ultimately myself. I know that this trial/challenge or whatever you want to call it will not go away. It will be a struggle we have forever, and yes that still upsets me but I need to constantly remind myself that this is an opportunity. An opportunity to “polish my soul”, to become stronger and more resilient to the difficulties that come my way.